songscloset: Me with the sun flare on my face. (Default)
[personal profile] songscloset
I'm working on writing professionally. It's harder than I expected, not because the writing is hard, but because I'm very used to thinking of writing as the task which is least important, so should be ignored and skipped. It's frivol. Well, if I'm going to make money at it, it's not frivol, it's work and must be scheduled and finished. For some reason, this is hard for me to get used to.

Actually, I know where this is coming from. My ex-husband used to get very angry at me for 'wasting time', when I could be 'doing something useful'.

Knitting was - just barely - useful, as it both produced a physical object and could be sold for money (the patterns AND the physical object).

Household tasks were useful, as they were My Job (he never did forgive me for not being his mother, house-cleaning-wise).

Schoolwork was useful, but only if I did it without needing to bother him about it or complain about it or have it get in the way of housework or paying work.

Writing, which was Just For Fun, was NOT important and was something I should only do 'if I had time'. He hated that I wrote late at night, which meant that he had to either go to bed on his own or 'punish' me for writing after he wanted to go to bed by angrily lying down to 'wait for me' in the middle of the living room floor. He hated that I wrote fanfiction and used to 'explain' to me that it was theft and indicated that I was unable to think of my own characters - until I snapped at him that he read fucking comic books and Star Trek novels and Star Wars novels, all of which are just the same as fanfic, only "authorized". He did back down after I insisted on that a few times.

What this means is that I have years of conditioned avoidance to writing. It's 'okay' to write fanfic, but not to talk about it much. I have to make it more than 'okay' to do my original writing (and fanfic, I still love writing fanfic!).

So, I'm in a writing group on Facebook which has regular flash fiction contests. I think I'll start entering them as a way of helping me create new neural pathways - Writing Is A Job (and it can be MY Job!).


songscloset: Me with the sun flare on my face. (Default)

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